Changing Course

So, I started this Blog forever ago. . . for me. I never really intended for anyone else to read my entries. I think only a handful of people have so far. I started it because I really had no one to talk to about some struggles I was going through with my son. I mean, no one else I knew had a kid diagnosed with autism. No on else I knew had a kid with ANY problems. Most of my friends' kids are younger then my first 2 kids, so I was really on my own for the first few years of this mothering thing. I'm not saying I didn't have a good support system. I did. I still do. I have a wonderful, and fairly large circle of family and wonderful friends- several of whom I could literally call upon at any hour of the day or night. But still, somethings we go through leave us feeling very isolated in our struggles. . .in our fear and doubt. . . in our pain. I felt very much like that when I experienced the devastation of a miscarriage, and again when my son was diagnosed.
Here's the thing. My son wasn't mentally retarded. He also wasn't dying of cancer or something like that. When a diagnosis like that is made, a support system usually whips into high gear. I don't think people really understand what it is like to be sitting in an doctor's office for hours. . . and then to have that doctor turn to you and say the words, "Yes, he has autism" . . . It's kind of like time stops for a moment and you feel yourself being sucked into a black hole for a moment. For that instant you feel nothing and everything at the same time. Somehow you get snapped back into the here and now, and have to deal with the news you've just received.
Then you have to tell other people. You have to call the grandparents, your siblings, your friends. Most people don't understand. How could they? A few people even said they disagreed with the doctors. Some seemed to think I was exaggerating the issue in some way- as if to gain sympathy or something? I don't care WHO you are or WHAT you believe about autism. . . Being looked in the eye by a professional and told your son has autism is a FRIGHTENING EXPERIENCE. It is something you never dream will happen to you. . .and it's something I wouldn't wish on anyone. . .
My son's issues were not as clearly visible to the casual observer. The struggles we went through were very much wrestled with in the privacy of our home, and in the mundane or day-to-day living. I believe it was very much "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" to a majority of people in my life. Even my husband was out-or-touch with a lot of it. Although he was there for the initial diagnosis, he had to work. I was the one who had to spend hour and hour w/ therapists, and on the phone with insurance companies, and driving to and from various appointments. Also, I had a 6 month old daughter at this point too. Life was chaotic. It took awhile to emerge from the fog. . .
Here we are now- 3.5 years after the diagnosis. We have made INCREDIBLE progress. My son is recovering from autism. He's not totally out of the woods, but it is very true now that most people would "never know". . .
I feel as though I have healed a lot from the initial trauma of this experience. I feel as though I have walked through this valley and I'm on the other side finally. We may have a set-back here or there. . .God only knows what the future holds. . .But I feel strong. I feel incredibly grateful to God for seeing us through this.
So, with this very unceremonious blog, I am releasing this. . . I'm releasing it all. It was what it was. . . .it is what it is. . .and it will be what it will be. . . And I'm going to change courses with my blog. I am no longer focusing on just my trials and triumphs with my son. . . .but on my life as a whole. This will always be a piece of the puzzle. But just a piece. There is so much more. I can't wait to see what comes next.